Thursday, April 24, 2008

When your kids break your heart....

When one of your greatest treasures in life are your children, and when you gave them all of your love and devotion, and when you gave them all of your strength, gifts, services, all your energies, time, and anything you could do for them, and you become not a part of their life anymore, it breaks your heart.

When your children want a separate life from you, which is normal, that they go out of their way to separate, and the only time when they want you, is when they need something, that breaks your heart.

When your children want no part of you, because you're too old, too giving, too Christian, (or maybe religious), and don't want to identify with you, that breaks your heart.

When your children break your heart, what can you do? Cry, get angry, after all, didn't you do the most for them?! Do you yell, pray, reject back?


Now is the time to give them completely to the Father in heaven. Love them with His love, not your own, pray, and wait..............


At 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a feeling that my 10yr old isn't going to want to come back from her father's this summer. SHe didn't want to come up to visit with us this weekend.
She loves her baby sister, older brother, but her 6 yr old step-sister, she has a lot of problems with... we ALL do... she's mentally ill and we can't get any help from any agencies. We've tried, but that doesn't make my oldest girl feel any better.
It's quieter at her father's house- I understand that. I suppose I just thought she'd be happy with a break and want to come home. Now, that she doesn't even want to come home for a second visit... I have been feeling a sense of loss because I see her not wanting to come back at all.
I sent her a text message to say "I love you and was thinking of you." I thought this would be a good way to not interfere by calling her or making her feel akward. I received no reply. I tried calling several hours after the text. I received no reply. Normally, if she misses one of my calls, she calls me back.
My husband says I'm getting ahead of myself. She still has until the end of July there. He thinks she'll miss me after a few weeks and want to come home.
It doesn't feel that way. God has blessed me with this "gift" of flashes, dreams, and "gut feelings"... and most of the time, they are correct. I wish I could say my gift has been "right on" about positive things... but, I normally only pick up on things that I have a lesson to learn from... or to prepare myself/family for something "huge."
It literally stops my breath. I feel sick to my stomach and my heart actually hurts in a physical sense.
I don't know what sort of lesson this could be for me to learm. I know everything happens for a reason. I accept that- I always have, but to feel as if my child is rejecting me. I don't understand that.

At 10:53 AM, Blogger deb said...

Thank you for this. I think the Lord directed me to this site. I was looking up scrapbooks!! I lost my 27 yr old son 20 months ago. My 31 yr old daughter ,who is the mother of my two grandboys has taken herself out of my life. It is hard for me to even keep from going crazy.I was always a stay at home mom and VERY into my kids lives even though they were grown. Thanks for the insight.

At 6:39 PM, Anonymous star said...

Remembering that He loves them much more than you do and He has given way more than you ever dreamed of giving
and so we must give our children to Lord
knowing that His love is far greater than ours can ever be.
His wisdom far greater than our's alone.
Into His hands, into His hands- His open hands.

At 3:39 PM, Blogger bapainter said...

Thanks.... i needed to hear that.

At 10:25 AM, Blogger tarafirma said...

I have a teenage son and I went through the same thing with him when he was 11. His father was always threatening to take me to court to get our son full time. He made sure to tell me repeatedly that by age 12 our son could tell a judge where he wanted to live and be placed there. It was so painful for me. One week my son called and said that he didn't want to come home on the usual day(we had split custody)he wanted to come later in the week and continue to do so. Eventually, he told me that he didn't want to live with me anymore. I thought I would die. Like you I was sick to my stomach and experienced the pain physically in my heart. His father was sent to jail for life a little less than two years later,so thank god I got my son back. It has been a difficult journey. It is still incredibly painful at times. I hope so much for you that you do not have to go through what I have had to. He just recently told me he's moving out as soon as he graduates. I asked if he didn't want to live at home to save money while going to college and he said if anything he'd stay at his step mom's. Nothing is worse than rejection from your only son. I pray for you and all the other mothers out there.

At 4:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My 19 year old son was hit by a car three years ago. He was a sweet, loving child. A couple of years before he died, he became hostile towards his father and me. How I loved that boy. And still do. We were good to him and were loving parents. He just had a really difficult time. How I wish I had the chance to see him grow into a man. He was smart and gifted artistically. He just couldn't see his own worth. My heart will always be broken over him. For what I lost. For what my whole family lost. I dream about him from time to time, and he's always happy in my dreams. Kids live for tomorrow. They don't always appreciate what they have today. I think we as parents take the rejection too personally sometimes. Growing up is a struggle, more so for some kids than others. For me, I have to learn to live my own life. If you have been good to your kids, they know it and will come back to you in time. That's the way I see it.

At 11:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much! its 2010 and tonight I had my heart broken all over again by a GREAT SON !Yes I am a prayin mother... but it still hurts! it still hurts..

God had you right this at an appointed time for me to read tonight. when I googled these words"what to do when your child breaks your heart" yours was the first one i clicked and read. Thank you for posting this... it saved me tonight! It saved me...

At 9:08 AM, Blogger Carol Elaine said...

Dear Anonymous; First, I am sorry about your pain, I do understand. Being a parent can bring the greatest joy, but also the greatest heartbreak.

Even if our kids are Christian, they still are growing, as we are. You have poured a lot of love into your son, and if you've been a Christian for a long time, a lot of God's love and direction in him. None the less, God will use all of your love and prayers, even now!

'WAITING', the hardest thing to do, but that seems to be a big word for my husband and myself these days. All the love will come back to you. There is a lot against our kids these days, Christian or not. They have a lot to sort out. I imagine you must have heard the Word, "Train up your child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not part from it". Proverbs 22:6. Note, the word 'old'. Some of us have to wait longer in seeing what we would like to see in our kids lives. So, in the meantime, we have to ask the Lord to help us respond like Jesus would, to be willing to have sacrificial praise; putting our kids completely into God's hands; daily. It definitely is a growing time for us. Just keep loving your son, with God's love, continue to pray for him daily, and give him to God completely.

My two step daughters are still fighting God, and therefore, they will fight their dad and I. Parents are like God to their kids when they are young, and like their conscience in some ways, even as adults.

I got hurt yesterday, and last week, but God gave me the grace to wait and be quiet. And then, there were some very good actions from my kids that came back at me and their dad. It's hard to have hope, but we have to have our hope in God, and trust Him that He is indeed working in our loved ones lives. What's most important, more than anything, is their relationship with Jesus Christ. God cares more for our children then we do, imagine that!

Thank you for writing, and God bless you. I wrote this blog almost 2 years ago, what timing that was. You have encouraged me to try and keep using my heartbreaks and joys for Him.

Be encouraged. Your son loves you. And oh, by the way, count your blessings. All the things to be thankful for, like, if he's not off doing drugs, or any hideous crimes, and count all the good things you have to be thankful for, and where you can see God working. Remember, God is not boisterous, often works quietly. Sometimes, just being able to see our children, etc. is a blessing from God. God bless, and hang in there! Carol

At 1:09 PM, Blogger Christa said...

They told me this day would come and I just didn't believe them.
Seven years ago I took in my neighbors 2 children. They had come from an abusive home. I introduce them to Jesus who in turn showed them their worth. They embraced it.
Today, my oldest girl is 16 years old and she acts as though I am invisible. The other day she implied that I am not apart of her family. That tore my heart because she's always been a part of mine.
She is a good kid. She gets good grades and has a level of maturity about her. However she lacks respect for adults. She has a flip mouth and always has to have the last word. She treats her peers and most adults the same. There is on adult she treats with utmost respect and that's my sister. I covet their relationship and it hurts to watch her hug her and call her just because. Even to see her shed tears when she leaves.
I know you all have said that I need to give her to God, how do I do that without allowing how I feel to show?

At 9:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well....I see your post is a couple years old. I'm just now seeing it after googling "when your child breaks your heart." My son has broke my heart. Please, can you (and anyone reading this), pray for us. Thanks so much.

At 6:10 AM, Blogger Carol Elaine said...

Yes, I will pray for you, and yes,even though this particular blog is 2 yrs old, I still hear from other people who have had their hearts broken by their dear loved ones. Hang in there, your child will come back. If you have loved your child his/her whole life, and I believe you have, give them time. Give them their space they want/need now, keep loving them, pray for them, be available (not to be walked on, but little things, baking cookies, sewing a patch, or whatever it is that they look to you for). Remember, it's not about me! Give them time to grow. Your child loves you, and in time will show you so. In the meantime, give your child back to God, put him/her in His hands, best place to be. Have a good day. Love and prayers, Carol

At 3:53 PM, Blogger deb said...

After almost three years my daughter came back with the two grandkids, Don't give up hope!

At 8:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My 17 year old daughter just packed up and moved out of my house the last day of school. We had a fight the weekend before because she was disrespectful and I yelled at her and refused to help her. So she just moved out I am completely devastated this child is not my biological child but her mother left her with me. She was being pressured by her friends and her mother to move out and I know in my heart it is a bad decision for her. She has no job little money, no vehicle as I provided all of this for her. I love her so much and she just walked out of my life and I cant do anything about it and I do not understand how some one you have loved so much and done so much for can just walk away from you like this. Can some one please tell me how to get thru this?

At 6:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous, I am sorry for your sorrow over your daughter that just moved out. All I can say, as I have said before, is put her in God's hands. You may have to do this over and over again. Pray for her, love her. If you have a chance to express your love, without enabling her, or over extending yourself, do this. All we can do is give our children back to God.

There are many opportunities, and new ones, where we have to practice this.It is hard to understand someone else's actions, when they're so not what we would do. Ask God to give you grace for her, forgiving her. In time she will come back. Get busy and reach out to other people. as there are so many that are going through difficulties. It can take your mind off of your own troubles. God bless you. Feel God's grace and love for you. He understands your pain, so many have rejected Him, I wonder how that makes God feel. I know that He continues to love, is not pleased, but still loves. Blessings to you!

At 7:55 PM, Blogger Christa said...

Dear Anonymous,

I know how you feel. I too, am raising two girls whom I am not the biological mother. They have an older sister who was never in my care. She is now 21 and has a son and lives with her boyfriend. She thinks of me as her mother. I have a 16 year old in my home who thinks of me as her guardian and can't wait to move away from me. The youngest is 10 and she thinks of me as her mother and thinks of her mother as the woman who gave her life. The 21 year old was a wild card. Hard to manage. She tried things her way and messed things up. I guess I'm saying give her the space to mess up. She will resist harder if you fight her leaving. She will be back. In the meantime you need to pray for her. You need to pray for her night and day, every time she comes to your mind pray. You've done what you could and now it's in God's hands. You got to trust him.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger deb said...

if she is 17 she has to come home. Other than that, she will be back just keep the doors open.

At 8:04 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

I lost my job and became very poor last year and lost everything except my kids. I have 2 daughters 13 and 15. I love my kids with all my heart but I couldn't give them the things I had given them all their lives and everything went downhill. My youngest daughter was going to stay with her dad a couple of months until I got a job and place to live. When she was supposed to come back she decided she was going to stay with her dad. I raised her all her life but I couldn't compete with her dad giving her everything she wanted. Now her dad has filed custody of her and when I talk to her on the phone she is very cold and just tells me that her dad is getting custody of her and she doesn't want to live with me. I feel like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I love her so much and can't stop crying. I will pray for her and hope she changes her mind but that's all I can do right now. I am glad I am not alone because I sometimes feel like my life is over. I still have my oldest daughter and she loves me and wants to be with me but I wish I had them both. I have to move on and keep going. Thanks for the words of encouragement and I will make it through this.

At 5:34 AM, Blogger Lorie said...

"Remember, it's not about me" was the one comment that stood out to me. I found this site by googling "When adult chilren break your heart" I have 2 grown children with my first husband I've been divorced from for 18 years. I've experienced a lot of heartache with these two. I feel I only showed love, tried to protect them while under my roof and tried to accept them for who they have become as adults. However, they do hurt me and I often do make it about me. I am not one to keep things in! So I've been told, "you are the parent." I guess that means they don't want to hear how discouraged I am when they only call if they want something or they put all others before me. I do not stay mad but I do stay hurt. I always end our conversations with feelings of love and encouragement. When if ever, can I expect the same from them?
Also I've felt like God is punishing me with my kids for mistakes I made while they were growing up. I feel He gives me a glimmer of hope and then it's dashed to pieces!
I don't know how not to take all this personally. I don't know how not to let it bother me. I wish I knew how to "remember, it's not about me"?

At 5:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been a single parent for the last 5 years since my divorce. My 15 year old daughter recently attempted suicide, and is in counseling.
What came out of the counseling was that she felt suicidal because I "annoy" her.Not only that, but now she has threatened to run away because she is so unhappy. Since my ex husband and myself don't want to see that...we have agreed to allow her to stay with a friend and her parents.
Yes, I cried, because I have tried to reach out to her many, many times, but she has hardened her heart toward me and my family. She is now 16 and is thinking of becoming emancipated.
Also,I am a Christian,my daughter has refused anything to do with G0d to the point that I can not even mention his name and feel that this is most likely the issue, but can do nothing about it, but as you say, pray.
As the quote goes
If you love something,
set it free;
if it comes back it's yours,
if it doesn't, it never was.

Thank you for this site
G0d bless

At 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a 46 yr old mother of three young men, ages 24, 21 and 17. I am divorced from their father and remarried. The two oldest boys seem to be giving me the hardest times. One wont even talk to my present husband or let his daughter call him anything but his name. The other son allows his son to refer to him as grandpop. My youngest son still lives with us but at times he seems to be going in a different direction. While I was in the process of leaving the boys father they understood why and had seen enough to know why the marriage didnt work. They themselfs didnt want to visit him on weekends they were supposed to and would make it hard for me to explain. After a while they stopped visiting, wanted nothing to do with him. Now that they are older and arent getting everything they want from myself and my new husband, they have turned back to their father and he has open armed them all. They wont come to my home and be pleasent but they all go to his home where they arent happy with his situation. I dont get it. Two of the boys actually work with my new husband at the same company from his bringing them in. From time to time I watch my grandson. Lately it seems that they go out but never let me know when they are returning. Well... I have a life also and the past two times I have called them to bring the grandson home I have caught flack. Today my middle son hit me with, "you dont have to see him at all if your life is so important, not like I see you anyway". That hurt me so badly. I have given everything to these boys. Stood behind them when the didnt listen to me and did their own thing... only to bring us hurt, financial difficulty and crime. I feel so used.. like my love is and always has been unconditional, but there love is full of conditions and what can I do for them. This is alwo causing a major stress on my marriage now. What shall I do, I want to pack up and run away from all of them.

At 11:40 AM, Blogger Chris Wagner said...

I relate!

At 6:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Carol, God must have sent me to your site tonight. I merely searched how to cope with rejection from kids so I could post it on Facebook, and I found you. I so needed your words of inspiration. I have a daughter who has a prescription drug problem and we have been through a living hell for the past 3 years. You have made me see this through a different light. Thank you and I would like your permission to post your comment of tonight on my Facebook and give give you credit for your words.

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