When your kids break your heart....

When one of your greatest treasures in life are your children, and when you gave them all of your love and devotion, and when you gave them all of your strength, gifts, services, all your energies, time, and anything you could do for them, and you become not a part of their life anymore, it breaks your heart.

When your children want a separate life from you, which is normal, that they go out of their way to separate, and the only time when they want you, is when they need something, that breaks your heart.

When your children want no part of you, because you're too old, too giving, too Christian, (or maybe religious), and don't want to identify with you, that breaks your heart.

When your children break your heart, what can you do? Cry, get angry, after all, didn't you do the most for them?! Do you yell, pray, reject back?

No......

Now is the time to give them completely to the Father in heaven. Love them with His love, not your own, pray, and wait..............

Going Beyond Our Wants, by Henri Nouwen

Everyday I get different and regular emails. Some devotionals, some thoughts of the day, some quotes of the day, some notices from Facebook, and always junk mail. Usually gross things that I would like to ring their necks, and today, 15 ads for a watch that I would never buy. Would like to wring their neck too. (Just an expression, not literal).

Today, as always, I received a devotional from Henri Nouwen, a man who lived in community, with handicapped, forgotten people, that no one wanted. People who what would seem, only to take, but really, gave Henri, & Jean Vanier, and others, so much love and enrichment, and showed them how to really live. Below is a quote from Henri Nouwen, about knowing what you really want, and not being double minded. I think I can really say what it is that I really want, and that is, for all of my children and family to know and love God, through Jesus.

Going Beyond Our Wants, by Henri Nouwen
Sometimes we behave like children in a toy shop. We want this, and that, and then something else. The many options confuse us and create an enormous restlessness in us. When someone says, "Well, what do you want? You can have one thing. Make up your mind," we do not know what to choose.

As long as our hearts keep vacillating among these many wants, we cannot move forward in life with inner peace and joy. That is why we need inner and outer disciplines, to go beyond these wants and discover our mission in life.

Much of my life is spent in serving the homeless women at the shelter that I have worked at for the last 10 years. I do and have done what I can, in as far as serving my family here, and my parents in North Dakota. (There is family there, and mostly, my sister Shirley Hooey, has helped our parents in so many ways. I feel like she is their, and my angel, for this. I wait and pray for the time that I can go and visit again, and hopefully help in some way).

Mostly, with my family here, who are all grown children, I give birthday parties, host holiday celebrations, make pies, do mending for them, and do anything that I possibly can. Mostly, I pray for everyone everyday. They all have my heart dearly, and I give them all back to God, and pray for His direction and help.

My husband Jon, who also loves them all, seems like he has an easier time of putting them all into God's hands, and leaving them there, for his peace of mind, that is how he copes best. I am thankful for a loving, adoring and endearing husband and help meet to me, maybe more to me than I to him. Jon would want this too, but feels that he won't want something that he can't have. We look at a question and answer differently. To me a want is a want, whether it's in our power or not.

So, my wants, I can do nothing about, but just pray and trust God. And, in my daily life, I go on serving God in the best way that I know how.

Back again.....

It has been over a year since I have written on my blog. Actually I have been doing Facebook, but not really blogging there. May I have a change of attitude and discipline, as blogging has many advantages, different for each person. I won't name all of my reasons for blogging, but hope that it will not only benefit myself, but also anyone who should happen to read my blog. Actually I have met different people through my blog, and see that when you post something publicly people are going to read your blog. If you want a private blog, then don't put it on the Internet, put it into a little book that you can hide somewhere. I would like to write down the many things that God has done in my life, as there have been many, and about what a most loving, powerful God that exists. Now is not the time, as I have to go to work, at Leland House, housing for women out of homelessness, and with disabilities, mental and out of substance abuse. I had a call from one of them this weekend, and I know that I have what could be a stressful day ahead of me, as police were called and said a 'hate crime had been committed. I may write about it, or not, as I have to be careful what I write, as this is public, and much of what I encounter must not be for open display, at least not with identifying persons. Have a good day, whoever reads this, and God be with us today. Back again, after an entire year. Carol

It Takes a Life to Get a Life......

A week ago yesterday, my husband and friends gave me a surprise birthday party for my 60th birthday party. The one reason that I dare say my age is because I don't feel 60, a lot of people say I don't look it, and infact, I don't even act 60. So what's in a number? You can't help when you were born, but you can help how you feel, usually. Good living, not smoking or drinking, monogomous living, with only one man, my husband, and exercise and diet. Well, attempted exercise and diet. That's the hard part, but I continually work at that. Giving up alot of the other things that are bad for you becomes much easier, after not having those other things for along time, if ever, and of course, you receive so much more that is good, in return...

Living in an intentional Christian community, with people of all ages, and having a purpose in life, serving God and others, also helps keep one younger. Constantly seeking to grow and heal from life's injuries is helpful too. Maintain an open and humble attitude about yourself. You never stop growing, this will go on until it's time for you to leave this earth. I don't know if I will live another 40 yrs. or if I even have tomorrow. I first learned that tomorrow is not promised to anyone when my sons, Christopher and Trevor were born 3 months early. They are now 27 yrs. old, and are wonderful in so many ways, but when they first entered this earth, all of life was very doubtful. In the year of 2000 I had 2 cancers, which wasn't my only life's scare. If we put our lives in the hands of God, it is a very safe place. Not safeguarding life on this earth, just the safest place that I know to be. If I die, because I have trusted that the Christian message of what Jesus Christ has done for us, to be true, I believe that I will go to heaven to spend eternal life with Him. I'm betting all of my life on this, and as Pascal's wager would say, even if this were not true, I have a great life on this earth, just for this trust.

Because of unhealthy relationships in much of my life, I was left feeling quite damaged. It has taken a lifetime to receive much healing and change, and I'm not done yet. Most of my life I have felt somewhat unlovely and unloved. It has always been much easier for me to believe the negative rather then the positive about myself. It is a long process for some of us to receive the healing we desire. In 1989 I married Jon and through him, God has done much healing in me. In the community here at JPUSA, where I've lived since 1987, often I would feel those same negative feelings. Read 'Telling Yourself the Truth', by William Backus. Go to a healing class such as 'Redeemed Lives', by Mario Bergner. Trust in God, He alone can heal you, but gives us many tools in reaching our goals. (Some people need medicine and professional help. I never had this, and maybe it would have sped up the process. It all takes time, however you go about the healing. Just don't give up). Many times I see very young people, who think they've arrived and have it all together. Guess I did too, in my early 20's. You just don't know what you don't know. An entire life holds many good and many bad times. But, all in all, when you make continual right and good choices, you can grow good and strong, even if life throws alot of bad things at you.

I sort of had the icing on my cake when my husband and some good friends gave me a surprise birthday party on March 9th, over a week ago now. (My birthday is on March 10th). There were about 45 people there, and I was overwhelmed by the love and encouragement I received that night. From hearing what different people had to say about me, I never knew that I was held in that kind of love and respect. I said several times after, "I will not forget". But yet, with just a little over a week later, I can see, if I was not careful, I could forget. It is so easy to forget the good things in life, and only remember the bad. But, 'I will not forget'. I will hold onto the good. I do not have to have another's encouraging words every moment. I am making a small book of memories from that moment of kindness towards me, so I will not forget. (You can go to my husbands blog, and read Wendi Kaiser's letter that she read at my party, and see some pictures my husband put on his blog, if you are interested, bored, or are looking for more reading material. Haha!) Jon's blog is bluechristian.com

Have a great week. God bless! Love, Carol

Grand Jury duty......

This entire month I have had Grand Jury duty, voting on people (prosecutors. lawyers, dectectives, etc.), getting subpoenas for witnesses for different cases. It has been interesting, sometimes boring, often very sad. I cannot tell anyone about the cases themselves, just a little of what it means to be on Grand Jury duty. I have only 4 more days left. I have chosen to take public transportation, rather then search around the community every day, to borrow a car. (Jon and I don't stewart one of the many cars and vehicles in the community). I take 2 trains and a bus each way. It was overwhelming at first, but has been a blessing in disguise, the exercise that I have needed, going up and down the stairs, being as I sit most of the day, and fight off the treats and food that all of us bring in everyday. Instead of gaining the 10 lbs. that people often gain, after doing the jury duty for a month, I have actually lost a couple of lbs.

Last Friday we had a tour of part of the jail. Each cell holds two prisoners, and if they are over crowded, 3, one on the floor, on a mattress.(Winters are often more crowded, because some homeless people will sometimes actually commit a crime, so as they can be off the streets, have a bed, and meals in a warm building). The men (we didn't visit the women's side), are in a day room all day, all just sitting around talking, watching a little tv. There is a room with a tv, a couple of pool tables, and some weight benches. Everyone said that it smelled real sweaty in there. I have no sense of smell, lost it as a child. The library and the chapel were real nice. Heard some guys singing in the chapel, it seemed like Christians. We saw the nicer side of being in jail, but none the less, would get old, probably in a day. (By nicer side, meaning we didn't really hear the interaction of the people in jail, only them looking out the window, staring at people looking at them, like they were animals in a zoo, or something).

Our jury group has had a great time getting to know each other. It's been real interesting.

Well, I'm tired, have to get up at 6 :30 am the next 4 days, and out the house in 45 minutes. It's so cold this week, will be glad when the job is completed.

Thoughts on the death of my sister....

How could someone that loud slip away so quietly?! It is now between Christmas and New Year's Day. The death of a friend's father got me thinking of the death of my sister. When Jane died in July of 2005, we were out on the festival grounds, finishing up another annual 'Cornerstone Festival', and my husband and I were on our way to vacation in Montana. Jon had a '30th' high school reunion to get to, and it was all a matter of a day or two. It was such an unexpected time for a death, or are we ever prepared for a death?! On our way to Montana, we went over to East Grand Forks for the wake, day before the funeral. I, as well as my sister Shirley, shared thoughts about Jane, and then we were there for the next day, funeral and burial of Jane. God's Spirit seemed very present at the funeral, as it seemed to bond the family in a way that was out of the normal.

Jane was born with water on the brain, and had had probably about 35 operations in her life. For someone out of such a hard life, Jane had born to her, two lovely girls, very bright, intelligent and beautiful. Jane's marriage had ended very sadly, for her husband had turned out to be not such a nice guy, a really not nice guy. Jane, because of all the illness, was unable to live quite a normal life, and longed to be loved and cared for. She hovered over her prized possessions, her daughters, who did not want to be owned and controlled, for they certainly were their own people. She did however, teach them many valuable things in life, even by her example.

When Jane entered the room, you really knew it, for she was very loud and boisterous. She had a way of annoying you, and probably, way down, she knew it, but couldn't help herself. Jane was very loving to others, she wasn't the type to hold a grudge, nor really, even judge another. She had a way of badgering you though, with her questions and need for acceptance. If she knew someone as a baby or child, she had a hard time looking at that person as an adult, and wanted to treat them as that child, someone she could hold. Really, all that Jane wanted, and needed, was to be loved in return.

On the phone, I do remember Jane expressing her love for Jesus. She told me that she could hardly go to church without crying. I understand that feeling, one that expresses that God really does have one's heart. I am so glad for that, for I know that Jane is now with God, and is happier then ever. Jane has found the love that she has wanted so badly. Jane is now in the arms of Jesus, where she can feel safe and loved.

I did not live by Jane, for many, many years. She was not part of my daily life. I can feel guilty that I didn't have a more positive and consistent input into her life. I do hope that my faith in God was somehow an inspiration to her, in some way. When Jane was a little girl, I did pray with her to receive Jesus, and as He promises, "I will never leave nor forsake you", was true with Jane.

Jane was loved, and loved by many. Many of the people in her church also loved her. Her family, even though not always patiently, loved her. Her daughters loved her. Most of all, she is now, as I stated, in the loving arms of the Lord, and in a glorious place. Something to be pondered on, for either God and His promises are real, or not. Do you feel sure that you will be able to run up to Jane, in the heavenlies, when you die, and greet her once again? You can, not from what good you have done, but by accepting what Jesus did for you, and me, and Jane.

Holiday blues?!

Scraps of Love
Holiday blues?? Holidays not what you expected? When it comes to the holidays, for many people, it is a struggle. There has never been a holiday that I haven't been tempted to get depressed, in some way or another. The holidays always tell us 'how it's suppose to be', and somehow, we always come out short. Life for most of us, is not exactly how we want it. Either, our past haunts us, or our family is not the tight knit family that we want, or we just aren't getting back near as much as we give out.

What is Christmas really about? It originated with a little baby born in a manger, to come into the world, to save us from all our dysfunction and pain, and to give us a better life, here and in the here after. Second, Christmas is about giving, giving to others, without expecting a return.

I live in an area where I walk down the street and see lots and lots of people that don't celebrate Christmas in any way, and are just looking for a handout. Down and outers. I live in a Christian community where there are lots of people who are trying to follow God. Now, if I compare with some families, intact families who never experianced the disaster of divorce and how that affects their children, I can come feeling like I'm coming out short. However, if I look around at many of the single people here, without a dear loving spouse or any children, or family, I know they feel they are coming out short. They are lonely and want what I have.

Christmas eve we will have a Christmas eve get together, and later, a wonderful service, with all of our eyes on Jesus, together, and then we will all know together, what Christmas is all about. Hope, mercy and love.
We live in an imperfect world. We can all come with feelings of disappointment, in ourselves, in others, to some degree or another. Christ came to save us from ourselves and all that is not right.

May you look to the One that Christmas is all about. Find others that are less fortunate then you, and give, expecting nothing back, except the blessing of giving. Jesus came into this world, to pay a high price, for you and me, that we could have life, and life most abundant. May you experiance this most wonderful thing that you could possibly experiance, new life in Him. Carol