Still.........

After many years, I'm still learning some of the same lessons. Really life lessons. Rereading a sermon I was asked to give several years ago, the word 'indifference' popped up. It's a feeling I really dislike. It's what I experienced and what I felt in growing up. My parents had so many different problems, kids, and there wasn't the knowledge that is available today, in meeting your childs inner emotional needs. In my first marriage my husband could never love me, he felt he had made a mistake in marrying me, always would. We were married for over 12 years, he felt as a Christian that divorce wasn't right. He was correct there. Again, that word indifference. I worked hard in the church, serving did help create relationships, and felt need feelings of being seen. It helped to be seen.

When my 1st husband finally pulled the plug, he greatly encouraged me to come to Chicago,  with our beautiful twin sons, where I joined the Jesus people, intentional Christian community, serving God, full time. I had that kind of calling in my life. (He did come regularly to get the boys). After 2 years at JPUSA, as was/is the community abbreviated with, I married my now husband Jon, who was also deserted by his first wife.  God has greatly loved me through him. I am blessed!!!There's no indifference there. 

Still, why do the feelings of indifference pop up in my life, after all of these years? I am so much older now, much older than most of the people in the community, and also at my job that I work 2 days a week. I am involved at home in the community and at work, but not the same as others. So, when you're not as involved, people don't know you as much, and don't relate to you as much either. Then pop up the 'feelings' of indifference.

What do I do when I have these feelings, only feelings mind you, I go back to when I was that little girl on the playground, watching the other girls jumping rope, all by myself in a corner. I heard the words, "You are loved". Today, I am loved, by God our Creator,  my Lord Jesus. I tell myself, I am so loved by God, and through my wonderful husband Jon. Being so much older now, I still go through feelings of not being seen at times. Our society dictates that. But, I am seen. God sees me. ......and as I said, I am so blessed by my husband, he sees me, sometimes more than I can handle. Lol. What would happen if I lose my Jon? If the Lord took him to heaven before myself? I am still seen, by God. My Love, into eternity. 

Be blessed. You are seen. God loves you so, as He does me.